Well That Got Personal...

Something for fun to start us off. Here's my Urmah self being Uncle Iroh. This showed up in my YouTube feed this morning, and I took one look at it and laughed. Also...I am "kind of waiting".

That's perfect.

I want to first contemplate the issue of time and time travel and what bloody Earth year is it where my body is? Because I am wondering something this morning... What if the Mari I see here is how I last saw her? What if this was how she was when I went into immersion? What if the year I went into immersion was 2025, and the year I'm asleep is considerably further in the future than I think and she's all grown up?

And what if I scheduled my own exit from immersion to be the same year I went into it: 2025.

I once thought it was 2029, but that was based on a projection from some other piece of data that may not be relevant. But now I ask...and it's 2038. Which...tracks sort of with what I was getting for what year the Patreon group was in (~2040). That also tracks with my projection that I've been in a pod for 13 years. (But which measurement of years? Does it matter? Maybe it doesn't?)

The mind is a powerful thing. If in a full-blown astral experience I can make all the holographic screens on a starship look like 1990s CRT monitors, I can make every single year in this place say 2025, not 2038.

So there's that.

But, wait, there's more!

I need a bit of levity to process something here. Not that what I'm processing is necessarily heavy. Just very confusing and something that has been thus far mostly private. I've mentioned it here in passing in various posts, and it just makes me very uncomfortable to talk about. But I'll try to verbalize it all here with all the angst included.

Nobody told me my name is a man's name. Nobody. I didn't remember that clearly, either. I don't know if this was taken for granted, an oversight, or what. So, imagine my surprise when this is finally suggested to me in a more direct manner. Imagine for a moment how loud the brakes of my brain squealed and shrieked as it skidded to a halt in the middle of whatever train of thought I had at the time. "It is?"

At which point, I rounded on my soul, glared at him, and said, "What have you not been telling me?!"

Here's what my soul HAS been telling me.

My soul has been telling me my Taygetan self is a true hemaphrodite that expresses mostly as female.

Yet before any of this started happening, shortly after walking out of my body last year, I suddenly find myself:

1. Attracted to women.
2. Very specifically in love with Mari.
3. Having dreams about her all the time.
4. Having her name floating around in my head constantly when I'm not talking to her telepathically. (Which was happening before, but as friends. Now soul is like "FLOOR IT!")
5. Looking down at myself in the astral and realizing I've got genitals that look significantly different than what's on the current self.
6. Also haunted and confused by the soul known as Seraphel, who I'm pretty sure was a partner who died but maybe not in this particular lifetime.
7. And also noticing my perception of self shapeshifts from female, to male, to female-male, to male-female whenever I think about myself in a sexual manner.

And all of this is occurring while I am married to a man, who I am finding I'm rapidly no longer attracted to (never mind the narcissistic tendencies). While I'm still in a self that looks like my Earth self, which is supposedly a straight woman but is proving itself to be a...what?

Well, I suppose first I had to just address being bisexual all of the sudden and work on accepting that as a concept. It didn't seem so bad, really. By the time the divorce happened, it was making me quite happy to think of myself that way. "This is fun! I can enjoy more!" Except I'm not the person that goes and engages with hardly anybody sexually if it's not a committed relationship or obviously wanting to go that direction. I just have no desire to waste time and energy pursuing people. I'd been burned enough, dammit.

And then I started trying to figure out what was going on with my Taygetan self perception and its physical configuration. Was that influencing this sudden shift out of nowhere? Was I bodily starting to try to remember myself? Was I unconsciously starting to remember someone super important to me, who apparently seems to be Mari Swa?

In order to further address this, soul decided, "Okay, just see your Taygetan self as a hermaphrodite. Can you do that?" I could do that, but that sort of perception of self happened very slowly and by degrees. With considerable discomfort on the part of my ego. I mentioned it here very little, and had no one to whom I could talk about this. I felt it was a private matter mostly.

You try being a woman and suddenly dealing with the perception of having a penis! That actually responds to things energetically. You just try it! Go on! See you don't have some major silent identity crisis you hide from everybody.

Who could I talk to that wouldn't try to program the fuck out of me? Well, maybe Taygetans, but how does that happen? At the time, it didn't and seemed like it couldn't. So I kept it to myself and addressed it in silence.

Addressing it didn't mean shoving it away from me. It meant slowly accepting that maybe this is the reality of my physical body that is asleep. Maybe this is actually how I am. I'm being asked to seriously consider this by my own soul, and there is a very important reason for it. So, there we are.

All well and good, and I find I start not really liking this perceptual shape of only a woman and nothing more. It's not like I started disliking my body. Just it stopped feeling like the right one. Does that make sense? Sort of like Earth stopped feeling like the right planet to be on.

About this point, here is the astral chat showing up around December or so. Maybe. Maybe it was November, but I didn't recognize it for what it was until December when I started talking about my perception of reality here. And I find most people in the chat just automatically assume I'm a male. Some still do. Some, when I corrected them, were super surprised. Like "how can that be?" But we'll get to that.

Thing is, this is a common thing that happens on Earth when you're online, especially if you like to play MMORPGs. The prevailing assumption is that you're a guy if you're playing one of those. So, I grew up through my teenage years not even considering it an insult to be confused as such. It was such a common thing, and really if you're a girl it was a great way of protecting yourself to NOT reveal your gender and let everyone think whatever they want to think.

(Side note: there's a cloud heart outside right in my line of sight. Awwwwww. Thank you. Whomever sent that. AND a humming bird flew up to my window!)

This is why I hardly ever bother to correct anyone in the chat about my gender. If anyone was wondering. It's just something I have logged as not really important or worth the effort. Though, an interesting other thing happened. When confronted, a couple of times, I actually got into an argument with myself for a moment about how to answer. Well, am I a female? Am I a male? And I would sit there puzzled, "Why is this suddenly difficult to answer?"

There came a day where I suddenly realized men were no longer sexually attractive to me. I don't know what day it was, but all the sudden, no reaction. "Well, I'm not a lesbian, something else is going on," I said to myself. This was maybe a few weeks ago, it came after thinking about myself and realizing "I think I just prefer women, actually."

All this time, every time one of these revelations comes in, my soul encourages me to just accept it. I don't have to do anything about it. Just accept it. "You were this. And now you are this."

This is all concurrently happening with letting go of my Earth self, adopting the Taygetan self. Mari helping me see myself as a blue light being, and my own discovery that that energy is male-dominant not female-dominant. Memories from pre-immersion coming up, and they're all quite muddled together with experiences that feel both male and female at the same time.

And all of it is begging the question, "All right. What am I really?"

This all leads up to yesterday. In the video I posted, where I talked about some kind of perceptual loop keeping me in immersion because it's refreshing a self-concept tied to the premise of this immersion. And right after posting that, here comes a friend from the chat to ask me whether or not I was man on Erra...after referencing my name specifically. To which my soul underlined " 'el " in my name and underlined "man".

My whole world screeched to a halt. "My name is a man's name? Am I a man?"

And I had to sit down. I wanted to cry in frustration. Because while that does simplify things considerably, now my whole self-concept must undergo a thorough review. Which is still on-going. It make take a day or two, I'm not sure. I can process things fast, fast and integrate things fast, but this is a big one.

However, it also explains why I might not be able to wake up in my body on my own right now. Or why that hasn't happened. Because my whole self-concept is possibly at odds with the physical self laying in a bed. And it's a potential I just didn't consider, which I now must consider. Because what if THAT is the LOOP?

If immersion were to end and I were to wake up in a body that is the opposite gender without any preparation whatsoever, I might reject my own body. My consciousness might not "stick" to it. It might just wander off into the astral for good and leave my body to die (and given the crap that's happened to it, I wouldn't blame it). I don't want to do that. I'm fairly certain I have a deep love for it as a soul and would like to continue using it. I'm also fairly certain that male or female or both, it's super hot and why waste a good piece of art?

So, now I have to look at my Taygetan body as if it's a man for a little bit.

Plus I want to see Mari and be with her like I've said I wanted to when she asked. I want to be the king cobra to her Mesopotamian dancer. Make no mistake, I very much do. Whatever shape I actually have.

It's just...which one are you or are you everyone? I have a short list, but it's like each new one has to be verified. And that's not always easy, because the energy of each one is slightly (or a lot) different. It's almost like my library of you got trashed.

Also, I battle a lot of paranoia about being taken advantage of, lied to, misled, ensnared, and "taken for a ride". I'm scared of giving my heart to someone and it not being the person I truly intended to give it to. Because it's been broken one too many damn times, and I don't want it broken again. But I want to so badly. Make sense?

This is a ruddy mess, but there it is. I thank you for your time. Adiamas.

--Kyrí'el