The Membrane of Resistance

I'll share what it feels like as you punch through one of those membranes of resistance you get from time to time. Especially a big one like the one I've been up against.

This is going to get intense, because it was intense. This is not an intellectual exercise. This is one of those visceral experiences that I feel is unique to emotional and empathic beings. This is one of those experiences that not every being will understand, because it means flirting with an energetic chaos that is terrifying to witness. It's not an experience even I understand, nor will I attempt to.

But it's part of my journey, and I will relay it here, because that's the purpose of this blog. For you to see and witness what it's like.

It's a bit like the experience of being born. It's a feeling like you're trapped in an impossibly tight bag, and then squeezed until you cannot breathe. And you punch and you kick, and the bag you're in just will not tear. It won't stop suffocating you. The bag just absorbs your blows and your fury, and all the while you're squeezed. Deep inside you scream in fury.

Or, in my case, you lay on the couch, curl up into a ball, and scream in confused anger, trauma, and fury. And you rock back and forth as your body shakes from the force of all that trapped energy rushing out of you. And you keen like an ancient Celt, making sounds you didn't know you could make, hating the membrane, hating the trapped feeling of it, hating everything. Screaming, hacking, burning on the inside. Wailing on the outside. Inarticulate emotions that leave you crying and drooling and gasping for breath as they tear their way out of you while all you can do is be curled up in a ball holding on to yourself.

And all at once, just when you cannot bear it any more, it's done. The trapped feeling is suddenly gone. The membrane around you is broken. You can breathe. You're not being squeezed. Relieved, maybe you cry, but mostly... You go to sleep.

And so I fell asleep for a little bit. I woke up feeling quieted.

I could sit here and analyze for you all the thoughts that were going through my head at the time, but I feel those thoughts are blind attempts to interpret something far more primal that cannot be interpreted. Cannot be translated.

It takes a long while for me to get like this. For energies that are so deep normal modes of expression cannot release them to rip out of me like that, but sometimes they do. I have learned not to lash out at people when this happens, but I can keen with the best of the Celts. Professional Keener right here.

Anyway, the membrane is broken. The seesaw is going forward now, and ego has been rolled over into such a state of surrender it just wants Rupert Fox (stuffed amigurumi fox), some chocolate, and a nap. You could say my ego just pitched a major tantrum like it was a child, but I like to think sometimes that kicking and screaming is necessary. Even if it's ugly and messy. 

How do you break the membrane if you don't put all that energy into breaking it?

You have to sometimes. Not every time. Sometimes you can just dissolve a membrane. Sometimes you really must spend a load of energy.

On another subject...

Mari's video this morning was very emotional for me. I found myself crying listening to that story, and I could put myself in the shoes of the Hashmallim doing the rescuing and the women being rescued. I don't think I could have just pulled away and said "Sorry, gotta go" either. Not after opening their door. If the door hadn't yet been open, I could have pulled back and followed orders because then it'd be easier to come back and finish the job. But not after it was already done and I'd declared my intentions.

I can't open a door for someone, say I'm here to rescue you, free them, and then not try to complete the rescue. It's not my way. I just couldn't do that.

And you know what, that doesn't make you weak, disorderly, or disobedient. That makes you alive, free, and in connection with Source.

As for some of them not making it... With a heavy sigh, I say, "At least now they can reincarnate and start a new life. They aren't trapped anymore. That's better than being trapped." Not ideal. Continuing to live and overcoming that trauma while alive is better than both outcomes by far. But at least they aren't going to be exploited anymore. At least that experience is over.

Somebody blabbed about that operation. You all had to get a "green light" for it, and knowing all of you it would have been very quick and efficiently done. In under 3 hours my heart says. But then all these Cabal forces show up. Forces that take time to assemble and get ready and to know your location. To travel out to your location. To know your number and what they were up against.

Somebody blabbed. No more green lights. You have friends to back you up. Let your friends back you up. They'll gladly do it.


I thank you for your time. Love to you. Love to all the families of those who found their daughters/sisters again. Love to all those who have lost daughters and sisters.

Adiamas.

--​Kyrí'el