Take a Number, Have a Seat

Today I am diving deep into an "I am" statement that needs to change. It's a very deep one that has taken a lot of annoyances to pull all the way up to the surface.

That "I am" statement is:

"I am giving."

​This needs to change to:

"I give because I want to."

The first version of the statement has been running this whole lifetime. "Being a whatever to whomever" that's part of the original "I am" statement. It does not always come out as people pleasing, though with enough trauma it has expressed itself that way. However, I feel I have gotten oven much of my people pleasing tendencies, but the original statement is still running.

What this means is that any time I embody my truest self, I project outward the energy "I am giving" and everybody and their brother comes running to grab at my energy. Some demand it. Some ask. Some manipulate for it. All of the sudden, people come out of the woodwork wanting to talk to me, interact with me, ask me to do something for them, clean up their mess, fix their problem. Or in Eddie's case, howl at me while sitting in front of the door incessantly.

That's not going to work going forward.

I was cooking breakfast this morning, and there's no smoke at all. But there goes the smoke detectors (after me getting mad at Eddie for pestering me all morning to wake up when he wanted me to). "Where there's smoke, there's fire. Find the fire. Find the source of this anger at your energy being demanded. Why are you so angry? What are you not doing or saying?"

It's something I am projecting. I am projecting an energy that says "Come partake." When what I need to project is, "Take a number, and have a seat."

I successfully project this energy when I'm at work. That's why people think I'm the boss instead of my boss. Because I project that energy there. Day job has always been a workshop for being my authentic self and testing it around other people first. Where I get hung up is in my personal relationships, because I feel like saying "no" would hurt somebody.

(I have read that previous sentence a few times now, and it looks patently ridiculous. Where did that belief come from? Soul says this is a collective belief rather than a belief born by personal trauma.)

An acquaintance in the Construct that I'm finding I don't really like much wants to hang out, instead of saying "No, thank you" I do a waffling kind of answer. I should just say "No, thank you. Have a great time."

My Earth father suddenly wants to talk a bunch. Instead of saying "I really don't want to talk right now" I do a waffling kind of answer. I really should just say, "Now is not a good time. I really don't want to talk right now."

And in Eddie's case. Well, he's a cat and doesn't listen to anything I say (telepathically or verbally). So, I will have to show him what I mean by closing a door between us for a while. Like instead of grouching at him for trying to wake me up, just go shut my door and be done with it.

In all of these instances, I need to project the energy of "take a number, and have a seat". Meaning, I will give to you when I want to and until that time I expect polite patience. This operates fine at the day job, as I'll get a request every once in a while that is demanding I do something for someone "ASAP" when it is not an actual emergency. That person just wants it done "right now" because they're just a demanding person--or more often than not, they were procrastinating and are pushing their rush on to everyone else.

What I do is I look at the request, and then I'll set it aside. My ego wants to immediately jump in and respond to save the day. But the wiser part of myself says, "No, put it aside. Go do something else. Come back to it in an hour when their demanding energy has cooled off."

Doing this outside of work is for some reason just more challenging for me. But this is the challenge I have to overcome. I cannot go forward projecting the previous energy and have healthy relationships with people. Projecting "I am giving" is always going to create an energetic imbalance no matter how balanced the person I'm interacting with is. It's generating an automatic difficulty in receiving as well as pushing too much energy toward the other person.

If I project "I give because I want to", then it is a conscious choice. Not automatic, and the energetic imbalance is less likely to occur as well as be easier to course correct.

Well that was an interesting adventure!

In other news, I have realized I am completely alcohol intolerant now (like lactose intolerant). It's not that it affects me more--like makes me more drunk. Instead, my body just looks at the alcohol molecules and says to me, "What do I do with this? This isn't food." And then it proceeds to shrug its shoulders and dump it out of my system without doing anything with it. That doesn't feel so great.

Well, okay then. I read you body. Evening tea it is. And if I go out, I get to challenge the bartender to create a non-alcoholic cocktail. Not that that's difficult. It's actually quite easy, but requires a degree of creativity and resourcefulness.

Hello, Taygetan self. I see you manifesting through this astral body now. Welcome to the Construct.

I thank you for your time. Adiamas.

--Kyriel