Sweet Dreams are Made of This

Today's post is brought to you by the Eurythmics. Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to get used by you. And some of them just want to say goodbye.

Kodi (1 year old) and me. October 2020, Earth

Here's the song. I was thinking of the title for this post and heard this song instead, so that is the title for this post. We don't have to be all mysterious and complicated. Sometimes it's just a song title. But this post is about a dream.

Last night I said goodbye to some key people. I haven't had a goodbye dream in a very long while, and this one felt important.

I'm at my grandmother's house in the dining room. There are papers on the table, and my understood reason for being there is to close up some business with my ex-husband and put the whole matter to rest. Yet while I'm there, my mother is there. I say goodbye to her like I'm leaving to go away somewhere. She clings, and I have to push her away from me.

My father is also there. We hug tightly and he tells me good luck. He understands what's happening and wants me to have a good experience.

My dog Kodi who died is there. Something is wrong with his back left leg, and he drags it behind him. This breaks my heart. I give him a dog hug, and I can feel the softness of his fur, the warmth of his body, and smell his particular dog smell. I can hear him panting in a grin, even see him grinning as we say goodbye. I play with his big ears as I look at him.

And my ex-husband is there. I sign some papers, and head upstairs to get some things I forgot in one of the bedrooms. Some clothes. I think it was some knitted hats, actually. As I leave to say goodbye, he insists on kissing me, but I turn my head to the side. I don't want him to. I really don't want him to. The thought is so unappealing, I wake up and twist my head right into my pillow and wrench my neck. Ouch.

Then I go back into the dream and I'm in my Jeep heading away from grandma's house. There's a warning about black ice. The floor of the Jeep is gone and I let my feet skate on the icy street. I tell my driver to be careful, it's everywhere. It's a man who's driving. Someone I recognize as familiar, but I don't know his name.

He looks like the bar manager from the restaurant across the street--the one all the patron-projections keep calling "bar Jesus". It makes him uncomfortable when they do that. When they do that, he wants to tell them to stop but he awkwardly people-pleases because they are customers. Whenever I see this happen, I feel tempted to say something. But I don't know what. Something to either encourage him to say "no" or encourage him to embrace the silliness of being bar Jesus. I can't decide. It's not my place, anyway. Still, I feel his discomfort which makes me want to do something to help him.

Anyway, that's what the man driving looks like. Why I have a driver and not myself driving, I don't know, but part of me is glad I don't have to. That ice looks nightmarish and slick. It proves to be no trouble. I wake up.

I do feel sad about saying goodbye to Kodi. That was hard. But that experience was hard. Very isolating. I can see why I've been holding on to it. Why the grief has been taking a while to process. I listened to my dog tell me every day telepathically that he wanted to die and join his friend, and there was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could do to make him want to live (I tried). There was nothing I could do to assist him into death (ex-husband would not have allowed it). There was no one I could tell about it, either. At least not face-to-face.

Hmm. I think that dream is letting me know it's okay to let go of all of that now. I'll keep that program running in the back of my mind today. "We are letting go of Kodi." That's the loop.

That photo. I still mostly look like that. Mostly. Some things are a little different. My eyes are different. My hair is a different color. My expression is different. Here, I look like I belong on Earth. Now, sometimes people give me the strangest look like "Where are you from? What are you?" It's not so much a physical thing as an energy thing that's changed. Though my eyes are different. Larger and more reflective.

This photo is late enough in the game that I look at it and go, "That's me." There are other photos I have, older ones, that I look at them and go "Who is that? Is that my sister?"

In more mundane news. I go get the earring posts in my ears shortened today. They were long for the initial piercing to accommodate swelling, and now that phase has passed. This should feel better. At least my hair won't get caught in it every time I touch it. Maybe I can even stop sleeping on the travel pillow and go back to using my regular pillow. (Please, please, please.)

With love and a hug, I thank you for your time. Adiamas.

--Kyriel

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