Seeing Source and My Soul for Myself

Today I want to share an astral experience I had once. It was a rather surprising experience for me as it was completely unintended. In this experience, I saw Source.

What follows is the recollection of an exceptionally clear trip into the astral. It was precipitated by the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms, though I was not told this would happen when I ate them. My soul decided to use this experience to clear a bunch of debris. While I do not recommend consuming psychedelic substances just to have astral experiences, I fully recognize that the function of those substances is to open you up to the astral. After going through what I went through, it is much better to venture in sober and of your own conscious will.

I also am not the sort of person who will dismiss substance-driven experiences as lesser than sober experiences, because of what happened to me. It was an important experience personally.

In 2016 my boyfriend at the time took me on vacation to Fort Walton, Florida. It was to be a beach vacation, but he brought along with him some psilocybin cubensis. We had been discussing me trying these for some months before this vacation, and while I was hesitant, he assured me I would be safe so long as we did this somewhere where we were feeling relaxed and comfortable. He also told me of what he had experienced and what his friends had experienced. Namely: heightened senses, increased libido, and occasional external hallucinations. But nothing scary.

The second night we were there, we got a pizza for dinner (and to help process the mushrooms). Then we ate the mushrooms, which were dried, gross, and tasted like forest floor. Yuck, seriously. A few minutes pass and I start to feel nauseous, to mitigate this, he offers me a little cannabis, which does help. This nausea is something I was told to expect, so I just wait it out.

Twenty minutes pass, and my vision starts to get strange. I realize the wall of the hotel room is covered in lines like a spirograph. It's mathematical loops and whirls on the wall all in a precise configuration. Time slows. Time stops. Every moment becomes crystalized. This word "crystalized" is the precise word I think at the time. Every single moment becomes something like a holographic still frame from a movie, and then there's the feeling that everything I'm looking at is just part of a movie. That it's both real and not at all real at the same time. My hearing gets sharper. My sense of smell gets sharper. The hairs on my skin stand on end and I swear I can feel every tenth of a degree of shift in temperature in the room.

I think that this is all quite amazing and interesting. I start to wonder what happens next.

Everything goes dark. I don't know for how long, but it all goes dark. When I open my eyes, I'm in a swamp in a canoe. I know this swamp. This is a memory. I'm inside the memory as if it is happening all around me right now. And I realize this even as I'm sitting in the canoe. The water is a black, perfectly still mirror, and each stroke of the paddle sends ripples off into infinity. I'm surrounded by tupelo and cypress trees stretching into an unending hallway of gray and green on each side of me. I look up, and the sky is pearlescent. Cloudy like it's going to rain.

Then it starts to rain, and I can feel the rain as cold water on my skin. As it rains, there's a perceptual shift. I am in the swamp and now I AM the swamp. I think, "I'm raining on myself." And this makes me chuckle a little, because it sounds absurd even as it's happening.

I come back to my body for a moment, and realize I'm crying. I've been crying this whole time. Just weeping silent, heavy tears all over my arms. The room AC is on and it's making the tears cold. I really am raining on myself. I can't stop the crying. I don't know why it's happening. Just that it is.

Now I'm back in the astral again, and the swamp dissolves. I travel into a few more memories that I no longer remember. I feel they were blips that passed very quickly. I'm looking for something, but I don't find it.

The scene changes and now I'm in a canyon that's pitch dark. The landscape around me is a violent purple where trees with black, bony branches claw at the sky. Even the bushes look like they want to grab at you. I start to shake. Something about this place is terrifying. I must make some kind of noise back in my body, because I hear my boyfriend say, "Remember, none of this is real. It's all in your head." I steady myself and take a deep breath. However, I find I disagree with half of his assertion. All of this was very real, but it is happening inside my head. And that means there's a measure of safety, because whatever is here, real as it may be, cannot actually hurt me.

Therefore, I walk through the canyon. I say to myself, "Though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil." I say it over and over in my mind, because it's the only thing keeping me from running away in terror. I don't know if I said it out loud. Perhaps I did. I'm still crying, by the way. Just now I'm shaking. I make it through the canyon and come out into a plain of purple emptiness with the flat sort of light you get before it starts to storm.

Suddenly I know exactly where I am. I'm in my unconscious mind. I'm in my shadow. There's something on the horizon. A city? A town? Something that is making light. I go to it.

I'm in a church or something that is approximating a church. I wonder where in my mind this exists. Why did we make a church? The building is ancient and made of pinkish sandstone. To my right are pews that I know are made of juniper wood, and these pews stretch out into infinity. There are endless rows of pews that span out into a grayness. It's not darkness at the end of my vision...just grayness. Void. No-thing. Uncreated space. I know this even as I look at it.

Where I'm standing is what's call the "aisle" in church architecture. I remember this from college courses in art history. This is a basilica. To my immediate right before the rows of pews are columns carved entirely from sandstone. There are symbols on them, but I don't really stop to look and examine them. To my left are arched windows filled with stained glass. The colors are simplified--greens, golds, oranges, browns--and I see figures in them. At first I think they are angels, but then I realize they're just people. People I know. I'm in some of the windows. Looking up, I notice the columns curve into a pointed vault. I think "barrel vault", but I know that's not the right term. There's another term for this specific type of vault I'm looking at (groin vault), but I forgot it. Looking down, I see the floor is travertine with thresholds at the edge of each vault.

I keep looking at these things and I just know what they're made of. Know the construction. I feel like I'm building some kind of assessment in my head of where I am...or when I am. All I can be sure in the moment is that this place is ancient and at least 2,000 years old. I can feel it in the dust in the air. "What am I doing here?"

Finally, I look at the end of the aisle and see an old wooden table. It's made of cyprus wood. There's a candelabra on it with three holders, all lit with tallow candles, and a book on a stand. It's an old illuminated sort of manuscript before the time of printed books. Back when people had to copy them by hand. The pages of this book are turning slowly by themselves.

Transfixed, I slowly walk to the end of the aisle, looking up at the windows but mostly staring at the book. When I reach the vault where the book is, I stop automatically at the threshold. All of the sudden, I feel incredibly nervous. If I step over this threshold, there is no going back. Whatever happens next, I cannot undo it. I take a deep breath and step over the threshold.

Time stops. The dust motes that were lazily floating in the air freeze in place. The candle flames stop moving. But the book pages are still turning. I want to touch the book. To read it. To find out what it's about and why it's here. But something tells me not to touch it. That it isn't for me. "Not yet." I feel someone say somewhere. So I turn to look at the window. Except, this window has no glass. There is only light.

I am gently floated out the window into the light. I hardly even notice I've left the floor until half my body is out the window, and by then I know there's no resisting this force. The church disappears and there is only light. Bright golden-white light. It gets brighter, and brighter, and brighter. I'm shaking again, but not from fear, just from the sheer force of this light. The light keeps getting brighter. I close my eyes, but it does nothing. The light sears away my eyelids. It burns away my skin. I can feel it blasting me like sand, and I watch as my muscles are dissolved. My bones are disintegrated. I want to scream in pain, but it's not a physical pain. It's a psychic pain. Then my mind is gone. Myself is gone. Everything is gone and all that's left is a vague sense of position in space.

My body cries harder. I can feel hot tears running down my face. It is asking "Why? What are you doing?"

In front of me is this light of such immensity I cannot even figure out what I'm looking at. Just that it's light. And surrounding it is this pearlescent, gold, white, rose-colored mist. The light...I don't even know how it does this for it has no arms or limbs or anything resembling anything...but it gestures for me to "turn around".

I turn around and see this ball of golden white light about the size of a beach ball. I have no knees, but I fall to them anyway. I start to sob uncontrollably. I cannot stop crying. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and I suddenly want to protect it from everything. Yet I know it doesn't need protecting. It looks like it could be wished away with a thought, but I know nothing has ever damaged it. I fall into the golden white ball of light.

And I open my eyes back in the hotel room. I'm cold and completely soaked from crying all over myself. My first thought is, "I saw God." My second thought is, "I saw my soul." My third thought before coming back to myself is, "I feel so clean."

That feeling of being cleansed lasted for several months, and somehow I resisted the gaslighting by my boyfriend who does not like the idea that I might have seen God. He really doesn't like it. He doesn't like when I mention it. So, I stop. I keep it away from him. Keep it safe. I won't let anyone change my mind about what I saw. I refuse. It's too precious to me.

After that experience, I tried mushrooms a second time. They didn't do much of anything. These days I wonder what would happen now with the level of awareness that I have, and then I think, "I don't need it." Because I don't.

Questions and Answers

Did I see Source?

I am absolutely certain the light I saw was Source.

Did I see my soul?

I am also absolutely certain what I saw was a visual representation of my soul. It's funny, because when I came back and thought about it, I thought of the Taoist belief in the "pearl" within yourself. I suddenly understood what the Tao Te Ching was trying to describe.

Where did I go?

The entire journey was one of going into my innermost depths of self. The swamp, the canyon, the church. These are all visual representations of increasing levels of depth of self. The swamp is a memory-place of emotions. It is the surface level of self. The canyon is the shadow, which I already identified when I was there. It was my unconscious mind. The church I feel was referencing something from a past life--a very specific past life--where something of a similar level of spiritual significance occurred. If I were to place when/where it is: Earth sometime in the 12 century BC in a place where Rome was in charge.

What was the book?

The book I think is the "Akashic record" of myself. It's my story. Just like the windows were also my story. "Not yet." I wasn't allowed to access that yet. Knowing myself as well as I do now, I understand why I wasn't supposed to read it or look at it. I wouldn't have understood what I was seeing. I wasn't ready to accept the idea of having lived in other star systems. Not then. Other lifetimes on Earth? Yes. I was already able to handle that concept, and that's what the windows were showing. But the book had all my galactic history in it. My entire story.

What did I do after I came back?

I went out onto the beach and enjoyed the twilight after sunset. My boyfriend took a photo of me. I have it to this day in my desk. In that photo, I look like I'm 18 years old all over again. Not figuratively. I aged backwards completely. I was 29 at the time. Maybe when the time is right, I'll share it.

I thank you for your time. Adiamas.

​--Kyriel