On Being Different - and Not Wanting It

The following is a bit of existential ranting. Maybe you'll find it useful or illuminating. Or something. I'm not always put together mentally, and I'll show you how it is sometimes.

I had a moment this morning of realizing exactly how different I am even from your average extraterrestrial. This triggered the fuck out of my inner child, who cried, "BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE DIFFERENT!" Much holding and consoling of myself ensued. It was painful. I almost didn't look at it, it was so large a wave.

​But I did. "Let it break upon you like a wave upon the sand" myself sang to myself. I didn't like it. But I did it. The pain of not being part of a collective. Of not being something generally, and being forced to be something specific. (Now that's an interesting statement.)

There's a part of me that has in many past lives been part of a collective.

For example, one of my favorite places to incarnate is this little water planet around Sirius A. The sand is white quartz crystal, the water is shallow turquoise blue. We build our houses as clay huts. No technology beyond spiritual technology. I've described this place before. But I tell you, this is where I go when I don't want to have a challenging lifetime. This is where many of my soul family go. We all go together. We all become one another. This is hard to describe, but this is how the people are there. They are a collective mind and consciousness, and their individuality is less expressed in their physical bodies. Their singular expression isn't even that important.

By the way, if you ever wonder why it is that Sirians cluster their ships so close, it's because of this type of consciousness. They are literally able to be one entity, so they don't worry about their ships being close. They're like a school of fish. Which is problematic to beings who are like a pack of wolves.

A family in that culture is a clannish blob of the same consciousness all merged together. And I tell you. It feels wonderful. It feels so good to just be a blob consciousness. Oh, don't get me wrong, we're all different souls, but it's like we're all intertwined together and connected in a way that no other race of beings does that I've been a part of. There's a way they do it that's just incredible.

And then I go leave and incarnate as whatever else, and it's never the same. Now we're all separate consciousnesses, and there's forever a part of me longing for that togetherness. I suppose this is either something I need to let go of, or find a way to integrate into this type of being I am now. Integration is probably the way to go. It usually is.

And that's the rub. I don't even know what I am anymore. I'm clearly not an Earth human, if I ever fully was. I'm some kind of extraterrestrial, but something new? Or something old. Or both? Or all of it? It's frustrating, because of course...my ego wants to say "I'm this!" And it's like, well what is "this"? Does it have a name?

I have a name, but does my template have a name? I know it's a new one developed for anyone to use. I'm certain of that part, because that's one of the goals of the ascension project on Earth. It was about developing a new Lyrian template for other souls to use. Like an upgrade to the original Lyrian template--"we took it and modernized it". Whatever that means. I don't think it has a name yet.

Then there's the matter of genetic manipulation on my soul's part. What did we set out to preserve? Why? Sometimes, I get the impression my soul wanted to preserve something that got lost in the sauce, and that's why I did all these silly roundabout ways of not incarnating in specific places (when I could have). Or maybe I'm just so damn old I'm like this ancient relic from the beginning of existence.

Sometimes I feel how long my soul has been incarnating. Sometimes I'll sit there, looking out the window, and just feel old. I get around people my age, or physically older, and I feel older than them. Sometimes they feel like grandchildren. It's a strange feeling. I've been feeling this way since I was a child, and that made things weird relationally.

Anyway, Mari often talks about starseeds wanting to be what they were in the past when they start remembering their past lives and where they came from. Thing is, I'm not who I was then so I can't go backwards and be that Sirian being anymore. I also can't go back and be the fluffy Lyran being I first incarnated as, because this soul has seen way too much shit to be a fluffy bunny person. The Sirian being, anyway, it's right here inside of this self typing these words. It got folded into the mix and it can't be separated out. Same with the Lyran. And the Orion beings. And all the other stuff. And my Earth human self. And Venusian self. It's all right here integrated into this self.

So, it's not so much wanting to go backwards and be what I was. It's more like I want to figure out what I have become now.

Ultimately, I know I'm just trying to satisfy my ego here, and I think that's okay. Maybe it deserves to know what it is to ground itself in the present. Because it sure is having a whole bunch of teenage-level existential angst about the matter today.

I say this with a laugh. Because it literally is teenage existential angst. You never stop being one. You're always all the ages you've been. I'm gonna go write some angsty poetry now and listen to French indie musicians. No, just kidding. I'll go make a cup of tea and listen to some jazz.

I thank you for your time. Adiamas.

--Kyriel