Local Events and the Soulstice

Today is a bit of a journal entry. It will be rather personal rather than esoteric, but then again it seems like all of my posts lately are a blend of the two. This is all about what's been happening here recently.

First off, happy Solstice! It's funny, when I made this Construct, I included certain astronomical events as energetic markers. The solstices, equinoxes, and moon phases are some of those. For example, my periods synchronizes with one or the other moon phase, and I usually experience energetic (sometimes apparent) shifts in my reality as a result. So, the Winter Solstice is the darkest night of the year, and I anticipated my shadow being amplified.

I was not disappointed.

There are insecurities I have about my connections to others, especially those that are primarily telepathic in nature. There are insecurities I have about the downloads I receive and what I know myself to be. There are insecurities about all the magic happening in my life. There are insecurities about what my heart tells me is an absolute truth.

I often have to work through my ego trying to convince me none of this is happening, even when I know all of it is actually happening. There's a war in my mind sometimes.

Winter Solstice brought that to a head. I sat there on my couch last night hugging my knees, consumed with thoughts like "I'm just a stupid crazy person." "I've lost the plot." "I'm completely delusional." "My soul and team are lying to me." "Why do they lie to me?" "Why do I have to follow bread crumbs and hints?" "Why do you take everything away from me? What are you going to take away next? Why can't you give to me instead?"

I haven't felt that wretched in a while. The battle was so intense, a barrier was put up between 'Yanna and I. I could feel myself in a glass box banging on the walls of the box to be let out. I could feel 'Yanna asking "Kyrie? Where are you?" Or trying to reach out, but finding a wall instead. Our respective teams had to energetically separate us, and did that make things emotionally easier? No. But mentally it made it easier to deal with my own shit and let my ego have its tantrum.

So, this morning as I write this, I find myself puffy-eyed and exhausted, but clearer headed.

I do fairly well at processing my emotions. I don't do so well at processing my thoughts. They build up and then explode fantastically in displays of confusion sometimes. I am not perfect. No one is.

Anyway, none of this is helped by some strain that is happening in the Construct.

Tilly is dying.

There is no way around this. I have done my best to care for her and treat her illness without subjecting her to fear and tormented testing. She has chosen to exit and is now in the process of shutting down her body. For a while, she started to improve with treatment and even gain weight. She was looking better and better. Then, one day, it's like all that weight just vanished off of her. It just disappeared and she became a walking skeleton. I looked in her eyes and could see the choice had been made.

I have to face my guilt that tells me I didn't do enough. I have to look at it and remind myself, "Tilly has a right to choose her time of passing. You do not have the right to control that because you're afraid to let go and feel the grief."

So, these days if she's not sleeping on my bed next to my pillow, she's laying on the blue accent chair in the living room. At night when I sleep, she sleeps right next to my head. All the while, end of life thoughts enter my head very matter of factly. Do I have what I need to bury her? Where shall I do that? How do I transport the body?

Tilly herself is very calm and matter of fact about it. She looks at me with a steady expression that does not look afraid or sad. She tries to be next to me. She tries to eat just enough that she can control the descent. Eddie also tries to be next to me. Like he knows what's happening and is trying to help me. He lets her eat first, and he's never let her eat first.

This is different from when Jack and Kodi died. Jack did not want to die and fought to the end to stay in his body, but once he passed he was so excited to reincarnate (there's souls for you). Kodi was outright suicidal and I could telepathically hear it constantly.

Tilly does not do that. She says, "I am old, Kyrie. I am ready. It's all right."

So, soon it'll just be Eddie and I. The two banditos.

Eddie is old, but he's showing signs of aging backwards energetically. As he gets older, he acts more like a silly kitten. I think he'll be around for a while. And he still believes he's my assistant and protector.

Anyway, I let myself be sad about Tilly passing. It's okay to be sad. She's been a good cat. I hope she had the life she hoped to have and learn all she wanted to learn.

With all my love. I thank you for your time. Adiamas.

--Kyriel