Lessons from Earth: Programming

After going through all those experiences with public school, and telling you I escaped with minimal programming, I want to clarify something. I did get programmed by the 3D Earth Matrix, and I got programmed pretty thoroughly. Unlike most Earth humans, my programming occurred at home. Not at school.

I suspect this is a common occurrence for starseeds. Our higher consciousness makes us more resistant to societal programming, but it does not protect us from programming within the context of close relationships. In fact, I would say this is our Achilles' Heel. And we get hit with it right out of the birth canal quite often.

This is largely why I argue against the Cabal needing to make Earth any harder than it already is. When I say Cabal, I mean those in space, too. It's my blanket term for the people in all densities that have some serious control and sadism issues they need to sort out. Those who serve as the shadow mirror for everyone else.

From a higher perspective, there is a part of me that actually has admiration for those souls who have chosen this function. That is not an easy role to take on just so we can all have this experience. I also know from experience that being a villain can be fun--for a little while. (You will get tired of it. It loses its savor after a while. Love is so much more long-lasting and fulfilling.)

​From a slightly lower perspective, they can get right the fuck out of my reality and quit hassling my family and I. That's quite enough, thank you.

But I digress...

So, programming for me happened within the family unit.

My mother was narcissistic, and had a bad habit of draining every ounce of energy out of my father. This created a dynamic that reminds me of a malfunctioning binary star relationship. Where you have a large energetic star and a smaller weaker star orbiting it, and that weaker star has a stronger magnetic field. The weaker star pulls energy off the larger star, until the larger star destabilizes and releases a burst of energy. This happens in a highly cyclical manner that you can almost set a watch to.

(By the way, I have no way of confirming if such a stellar body relationship exists. I figure if it happens with people, it probably happens cosmically because the energetic dynamic is the same.)

Anyway, that was my parents. Mother would drain father of his energy until he destabilized and there was a massive fight between them. Things would be thrown. Doors would be slammed, sometimes so hard into the walls there'd be holes in the drywall left by the doorknob. Or the door would be broken on the backside by a fist. Once, my mother pushed father so hard, he shoved her into the hutch. This is the only time to my knowledge he physically touched her in anger. Otherwise he would redirect his anger onto objects that he could repair. (He was a carpenter.)

My brother and I witnessed this cyclically day in, day out. It was very traumatic for such sensitive children as we. When my brother was 12, his back went out because of all the stress. And he was often sick and couldn't go to school. I ended up with a tendency to hide in my room, isolate, get depressed, and also to become hypervigilant about others' emotions.

And this is where the programming begins. This hypervigilance about emotions meant that my already strong empathic abilities were thrown into overdrive. Which meant I was constantly picking up everyone's energy everywhere. Which meant I was aware of what someone was feeling before they were aware they were feeling it. Which meant I could head everything off at the pass by attending to their unconsciously expressing emotions, thereby quelling an argument.

Sometimes. Anyway. I was only a child. There's only so much I could do.

It made me a bit of a control freak about relationships. As I got older, my father started learning how to ice out my mother and starve her of energy. She was hungry. She looked around, saw me, and thought "Ooh, look how empathic and attentive my daughter has become." I say this like this, because this is how narcissists unconsciously think. Consciously, it comes off as a feeling of misery and desperation. They think they want connection but what they really want is energy, because they can't generate it themselves. But they don't know this about themselves. They have no idea what they really want is just energy. They make up all kinds of stories in their heads for why they're doing what they're doing to justify their behavior--no matter how destructive it is.

(It's sad.)

From the age I was 12 until 33, I became my mother's food source. Yes. That long. She was good at hiding what she really wanted from me. Plus, from 12, she started in on making me her confidant. Which flattered my ego to be trusted in that way. Which meant she became my confidant, because in my 12-year-old starseed brain this is how relationships work. (Because this is how they really work.) This meant I gave her ammunition to control me. I literally gave her all the keys to my consciousness, because...she's my mother and I naturally believed she was to be trusted.

I'll not go too much into how narcissists control you, but I will say the "covert" ones are masters at confusing the hell out of you and psychologically drugging you. They know exactly how much "niceness" to give you to keep you under the spell, and exactly how much "meanness" to give you to keep you doubting yourself. And they mix the two together so tightly, that you can't be sure if what they just said was an insult or a compliment.

What Did I Get Programmed to Do?

I was programmed to give over energy in the form of emotions whenever my mother demanded it.

• If she insulted me, I obediently took it to heart and made it true for me. Even if it wasn't true at all.
• If she praised me, I obediently took it to heart and made it true for me. Even if it wasn't authentic at all.
• If she said she wanted me to listen, I obediently listened. Even if I didn't want to.
• If she said she wanted me to be her therapist, I obediently was her therapist. Even if I was too young to do this.
• If she said she wanted to talk about her sex life, I obediently listened and offered advice. Even if I was also too young to do this.
• If she wanted me to hate my father, I obediently hated my father. Even if I actually loved my father.
• If she wanted me to confide in her, I obediently confided in her. Even if I didn't want to share.
• If she said the sky was green, I agreed with her that the sky was green. Even if I knew she was lying.

I basically became her emotional and energetic slave. I ended up with people-pleasing tendencies in the extreme, and this came out most in personal relationships.

Keep in mind, much of the worst part of this happened between the ages of 12 and 18. This is a fragile time for any girl, and it's not helped when your mother wants to use you in this way. It confuses you. Makes you lose sight of who you are. School for me, was oddly enough, a safe place where I couldn't be influenced by these energetic demands. I was safe from her at school.

(And you wonder why I love Harry Potter.)

Anyway, the one time I started realizing something was wrong was when I was 15. I'm helping her bring in the groceries, and she's telling me how much she hates my father and how awful he is. At this time in my life, my father and I have actually started to develop a father-daughter relationship. I am realizing I love who my dad is as a person. He's smart and wise and quite spiritual and full of information I didn't know he possessed. We like many of the same things, and have many of the same spiritual leanings.

My mother is attempting to nip this in the bud and destroy it. Only she can have a parental relationship with me.

I start to cry, and I tell her "That's my dad you're talking about! I'm not listening to this anymore!" She gets angry. She even demands I listen to her, then goes on to tell me how much she sacrifices for the family. For the first time ever, I see her clearly. I think "This is wrong. You should not be angry at me for this. What you're doing is wrong."

But something happens. She browbeats me into submission. My awareness goes right back to sleep. This happens more and more often as I get older. I wake up. She ups the programming intensity. I go back into submission. It cycles over and over. Until eventually, I pull away and slowly over the course of the years try not to talk to her. I decide I'm done at the age of 33.

Earth society makes this process difficult. Mothers are venerated in the extreme and to an unhealthy degree. Mothers can do no wrong. They are goddesses of sacrifice and love. How dare you profane the sanctity of your mother! You have to give your entire civilization the middle finger and do what you have to do. It takes a lot of courage to do that. A lot of willpower, and continuous willpower at that.

Further, once you've been abused by a narcissist, it's like it puts imprint in you for other narcissists. They start making their way into your life. It's incredibly difficult to exit this kind of cycle completely, because the imprint the parental narcissist leaves is so incredibly deep. I'm serious. It goes deep. Way down in the unconscious mind, and that imprint does not want to leave. It will fight tooth and nail to stay in your head.

What is the imprint? It's basically a narcissist that lives inside your mind. I want to be clear, this imprint is not you. But it's there like an entity attachment. It's the nasty voice that tells you all the things your narcissist told you. It's an echo that won't stop echoing. You can transmute it, but it takes a lot of elbow grease. Mostly what you have to do is become aware of it in total. Observe it in total. Learn its methods and its madness. See it for what it is.

This takes time, because it's a clever beast. It has many different ways of talking to you. To get rid of it, you must hear and become aware of all of those methods. Each and every single one. Which is not fun or pleasant, but you can learn to not take it personally. Just observe and recognize, "Yep, that's the narcissist talking."

I sincerely hope this helps someone out there who experienced the same thing understand what has happened to them.

I thank you for your time. Adiamas.

--Kyriel